Last night I cried. I cried and cried. I cried because my new coat was too small for me. It was an XL, and it was snug, tight, restricting. The brand's sizing stops at an XXL. In that size, they have already sold out of the colour I want. I have to choose my back up colour, and re-order.
All night, I sat, consumed by disappointment, shame, and anger. I am furious that so much of this power is STILL holding me tightly, despite the painstaking work I have done to free myself. The immediate urge to restrict, to take action, to deprive myself out of this situation was overwhelming. It felt impossible to shake the discomfort, the pain, and the unsettling sensations that were being played out in my poor body. She thought we were done with this, and so did I.
I knew I had put on some weight this year. That hasn't bothered me until now. As I attempted to express how confused I couldn't even decide - did I want to be smaller, or thinner? I don't think I do. Do I? I must do. Would it hurt this much otherwise? I didn't have the answer.
I was pained by the reminder that society has force fed fat phobia into every minute area of my existence. I was angry for all the women bigger than me who can't wear what they want to. I was maddened at myself for feeling so distraught for still being fooled, still being duped, still able to be lead down this winding path, doubting everything I know to be true about my body.
Most of all, I felt untrue. If you know me, you know I'd advocate for other bodies in moments like this. I'd remind you that the bullshit, inconsistent and vanity-led sizing of clothing means nothing. I'd remind you that although every part of you is spilling with shame for the space you take up in the world, that you are a force to be reckoned with. That the shame is not yours to carry. Yet here I was, again, struggling, fighting and failing to be my own advocate.
A new day brings some perspective, some distance. A pain resides which I will swim though over the next few days. My commitment now is to the most fierce and dedicated self care that I can cultivate. My responsibility lies with re-building my boundaries and making them even stronger than before. The pain, my reaction, my shame, is not my fault and I don't need it to stay now.
I take a deep breath.
Dear body, I love you.
X
